looking up remix

I thought I'd been there, done that. But here I am again - looking in front of me, around me, inside me for some light for my next steps. I forgot. I've gotta look up. 

Just as a reminder to self, I'm re-posting my first blog entry about the experience that prompted this blog in the first place. 

If I want to see the light, I have to look up.

I have been praying for months that I would learn to “walk in the light of God’s presence” (Ps. 89:15). Last week, in 5 minutes of silence, I understood the frightening reality of what I had been praying for. And it was too late to take it back.

There I was, standing alone in a beam of light. And all around me, only darkness. The whole world was full of darkness- except for a faint light on the other side. Sure, it was God’s light. Certainly it was an affirmation of God’s presence. A sign that He was, indeed, answering my prayers. But it surely was not what I’d expected.

As I’ve pondered that picture, one thing has become clear: I like to see. All it takes is a little bit of light in front of me to start planning next steps, to be encouraged that I’m moving in the right direction, to adjust expectations of what should be and to create expectations for what could be. When I asked God to teach me to walk in the light of His presence, I expected Him to shine a beam of light down the road, so I could step into that light. I expected to be able to move ahead - in the direction of “His will” or “my destiny” or “a significant purpose”. But the only thing illumined is me. My pitiful neediness. My inability to be still. My ineptness at intimacy.

Straining to see the significance of what’s past is useless. Behind me, only darkness now. Panicking to see something in front of me to hold on to is pointless. Ahead of me, I see darkly. I long to look into the light and move ahead. But yesterday, in 5 minutes of worship, I understood. If I want to see the light, I have to look up. It's there I see God’s encompassing love for me. His mercy poured out on me. His yearning for relationship with me.

The past is past. And the future, a mystery. But God. He is present. And He, not some plan or pathway, is my destiny and the answer to my prayers.

"Blessed are those who have learn to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O LORD." Psalm 89:15
Take 5 minutes in silence.What longings arise? Lift them to the LORD. Let Him lead you.What dark places in you become visible? Allow God to cleanse and heal you as they come into His light.
Take 5 minutes to worship.How are you experiencing God's love? Love Him back.How is God making Himself visible to you? Acclaim (applaud or to salute with shouts of joy!) Him.

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